Grief and Loss in Parenthood

I distinctly remember sitting in my new mom’s group after the birth of my first child, and the group leader talking about how it is normal to miss your life pre-kids. Until that moment, I had not realized that grief was an ever-present feeling I was having-it then hit like a ton of bricks after I had a label for that feeling. 

Themes of grief and loss permeate the parenthood journey, often in many unexpected ways. Let’s start with the conception phase-if pregnancy is intended, one loss is the spontaneity of sex. This is especially true as the trying-to-conceive journey goes on and on-we become very focused on timing and “perfect” conditions as stress increases about being able to get pregnant. 

More obvious grief and loss is pregnancy loss/miscarriage, as well as other types of ambiguous loss (loss that won’t provide emotional closure or clear understanding). For example, infertility treatments mean the loss of your body being “normal” or “working right”. There is also the loss of sex with your partner resulting in a child and instead a medical procedure “creating” your child.

Let’s go back to my example at the start of this blog, which relates to loss in the postpartum period. Many people feel sadness and grief over the loss of freedom they had pre-kids. You can feel this while also feeling joy and excitement about your new phase of life. We might feel “trapped” by our baby’s naps or feeding schedule, and often don’t have enough energy to participate in the activities that make us feel like ourselves. The good news is that this reality adjusts as your baby grows, and if we make a plan for re-integrating some freedoms into our lives. 

Many moms also grieve how different their bodies may appear to them, given the amount of pressure in our society to NOT look like you had a baby and deeply rooted “fat phobia” that exists everywhere. These difficult feelings may come up in their relationship with their partner, as partner’s body hasn’t been changed by pregnancy. There may also be worry their partner is not attracted to them any longer. Grief and loss can also show up as your relationship with your partner has changed since baby arrived. Focus has shifted from the relationship and your partner to baby, which can feel all-consuming at times. There is also more conflict as you both navigate how to co-parent and define your roles within your new family. Your previous, less stressful relationship with your partner can feel like a loss. 

This is by no means a complete list of the losses associated with parenthood. It’s my hope that this blog doesn’t leave you feeling pessimistic about parenthood or the difficulties of the experience, but rather validates feelings that you haven’t talked about or feel you can’t talk about without judgment. There is room for all feelings about parenthood, even ones that seem contradictory to each other.