Mom Rage
We’ve all heard this term before, and there are likely thousands of memes and GIFs we could find online that give a good laugh about moms losing their sh*t. Humor can help deflate anger and rage as well-though feeling true rage or intense anger as a mom is a very “loaded” experience. We can feel deep shame about the intensity of our feelings, and that they are in stark contrast to being a calm, loving and nurturing mom.
There can be a variety of reasons why some of us struggle with rage at times; it is sometimes a sign of more serious mood disorders like Bipolar Disorder or depression, though certainly not always. Sleep deprivation and being over-stimulated are more likely contributors, as well as feelings of resentment. All three of these factors shorten our “emotional fuse” and unfortunately are all part of parenthood. Hope is not lost though! There are ways to cope with these challenges, as well as reduce the shame associated with intense feelings and anger/rage in motherhood.
Sleep is FOUNDATIONAL to stable mental health. It is challenging to get great sleep as a parent, often for many years. However, anything we can do to lengthen stretches of sleep is beneficial-so as your newborn consolidates more hours of sleep as they get older, things will improve. Both you and your partner waking and sharing the feeding tasks can shorten how long both of you are awake, or switching off with you partner in tending to night wakings for your baby or toddler can help.
Over-stimulation is another factor that can decrease our tolerance for stressors, and is often unnoticed until we “explode”. TV on at full volume, noisy children’s toys, baby crying, being asked for help multiple times within minutes, feeling “touched-out”…..our brains can be overloaded with too much sensory stimulation at once. This might manifest in a panicked attempt to stop the stimulation-i.e. “STOP IT!!” “SHUT UP!” “ENOUGH!”. Maybe you’ve said or done “worse” things than this-shame will then compound how we are feeling and may lead to self-critical thoughts like “I’m a bad mom” or “I’ve damaged my kids forever!”. Neither of these things are true-you deserve self-compassion for making mistakes, and you can always repair with your child. Certainly, if you are struggling often with these kinds of feelings, or are concerned you would hurt yourself or someone else in your rage, you should seek help and support from a professional.
Lastly, feelings of resentment, whether they are directed at your partner, your kids or the general experience of parenthood, can linger under the surface and then reveal themselves all at once in a “rage”. It is so important to express when you need more help, or delegate daily tasks, and utilize your support system to regularly offload your feelings.
