The Myths of Motherhood Part II
This blog post is a deeper dive into a previous blog post I wrote about the myths of motherhood, and can also be found on Postpartum Support International’s Website.
As a perinatal and maternal mental health therapist, and mother myself, I have witnessed and experienced the subtle and overt beliefs our society holds about motherhood and women. Motherhood is a social construct, certainly steeped in patriarchy, sexism and misogyny. I see the impact of the resulting pressures on mothers, though also get to see the transformation once a mom releases the “pressure valve” and allows themselves to narrate their own experience of motherhood. These myths persist throughout the years of motherhood, and many mothers find themselves still struggling with “how to be a good mom” years into motherhood. Spoiler alert: the formula for “how to be a good mom” is based on these myths. Below I’ve detailed the most often-heard myths from mothers in my therapy office, as well as some ways to de-construct each myth.
“Motherhood should come naturally.”
There are a lot of influences that make someone believe that the moment they become a mother, it should “feel natural”. Though this may be some people’s experience, it is not true for everyone. It can be helpful to remember that the relationship with a child is a new relationship, and we can’t expect to know this little person the moment they enter the world. If someone is a first-time mom, it is a new job and in turn means there is a lot of learning to do. Moms don’t often give themselves enough room to learn and make mistakes. It is important to trust one’s instinct they will “figure it out," rather than believe the myth that one’s “maternal instinct” will know exactly what to do.
“I should be able to do it by myself.”
Perhaps this myth is an off-shoot of “it should come naturally"-if someone expects they should know what to do, then they shouldn’t need help. Being a mother and parent is often the job that we value the most, so this too increases the desire to be a “top performer” when it comes to the job as mother. There is high importance placed on individualism and perfectionism in our country, which permeates parenting trends and strategies. It is also important to acknowledge that mothers are often held to higher standards than fathers, which perpetuates the belief “mom knows best” or is ultimately the one responsible for all things child and household-related. This under-estimates fathers and their confidence, contributes to uneven distribution of labor in the home, and creates relationship dissatisfaction. Moms can also struggle with allowing others to help because they have a vision of how things should happen or be done; some mothers can even thwart others’ attempts to help. There is a strong identity rooted in “doing everything” as a mother in order to be a “good mother”. It takes acknowledging our own needs are still important, and there is no way to meet them consistently if we don’t ask for help and partnership in parenting.
“I should enjoy all parts of motherhood.”
When the topic of “mom guilt” comes up in my therapy office, it is often rooted in the above-mentioned myth. Mothers will describe feeling guilty they want their children to be out of the house, or dread playing with them at times-when we “dig deeper," we find a belief/myth that not enjoying parts of motherhood MEANS we don’t love our kids or are not “grateful” enough about having them. It is an idealized notion we will enjoy every aspect of motherhood, and “mom guilt” drives us to say “but they are so worth it!” when we might acknowledge dislike, dread or disdain for certain aspects of motherhood. We tend to equate how much we enjoy motherhood to how much we love our kids-Let’s agree these are two separate things. Others can meet our kids’ needs too.
“I need to sacrifice my own needs for my children.”
When I talk about sacrifice in motherhood with my clients, I am specifically speaking to consistent, complete, or utter self-sacrifice, which creates negative consequences for that mom. Basic needs go unmet, she has little to no time thinking about herself or being alone, and holds a belief that being self-sacrificing is the epitome of being a “good mom”. Mothers are held to a higher standard than fathers in order to be labeled a “good mom”-though we may have an idea of what makes a “good dad," these standards are not as rigorous or the same as the standards for mothers in our society. “Mom guilt” enters the picture here as well, which then drives more self-sacrificing. Is it challenging to care for ourselves as mothers when the demands are unrelenting during parenting? Yes, there is no doubt about that. However, lowering our standards, challenging perfectionism in parenting, expecting partnership from our significant other rather than “help” can all move the needle to “good enough” for our kids and thus leave more space for mothers to meet their own needs more often.
The above myths are only a few of the countless that persist in our culture, and I am certainly not the first to discuss this topic. Whether you are a mother reading this, or a professional that supports mothers, it is vital to assess yourself or your clients within the current societal construct of motherhood. Mothers deserve better preparation, support and societal change in order to navigate motherhood.
Resources related to myths of motherhood and mental health:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9765384/
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23007052/
https://www.nytimes.com/2022/08/26/opinion/sunday/maternal-instinct-myth.html
